So I figure this is a good song to sing to the child to get him to sleep. It is repetative, simple, rhyming, etc. The problem is that I only know 3 lines or so. There ends up being a fair bit of free style. I am no Bernie Taupin and I can’t free style like Eminem. This is approximately what little Joe heard tonight. Song in bold, my thoughts in italics.

“Hush little baby don’t say a word, daddy’s gonna buy you a mocking bird.
And if that mocking bird don’t sing, daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass, daddy’s gonna buy a looking glass.”

So far so good. Only problem is, I don’t know any more of the song. Continuing…

“And if that mirror decides to break, daddy’s gonna buy you an aluminum rake.”

A rake? Doesn’t sound like a good gift, but Ok….

“And if that rake won’t clean up leaves, daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of bees” ooookay, he gets bees
“And if those bees won’t make any honey, daddy’s gonna by you a bunch of money.”

What!? Buy him money? That doesn’t make any sense economically. I would be paying a commission. And wouldn’t I just give him the money? WTF?

“And if that money decides to tarnish….”

Oooo…it must have been metal coins like Krugerrands…although those wouldn’t actually tarnish. Good save.

“…daddy’s gonna buy you a can of…thinking slowly…varnish.” no comment needed
“And if that varnish won’t stain wood, daddy’s gonna buy you a sweatshirt ‘n’ hood”

Ok, that seems more normal.

“And if that clothing starts to fray, daddy’s gonna buy you a bale of hay.
And if that hay starts to mold, daddy’s gonna buy you Bulleye Bold”

Ok, I know I like BBQ sauce, but the kid is 3 months old. You can’t put BBQ sauce in a bottle.

“If that steak sauce starts to mellow, daddy’s gonna buy you Arfat the Fellow”

So now I am not only buying money, but I’m buying and selling people I work with.

“If that cardiologist won’t cath, daddy’s gonna buy you a brand new bath.
And if that tub won’t get you clean, daddy’s gonna buy you….oh now what…a bucket of steam” yeah, that was a good one. Truly inspired…idiot

“And if that steam turns from a gas, daddy’s gonna buy you….”

And now we must stop for a second, because all I could think was “a piece of ass.” Not a good thing to sing your child to sleep too. Long pause….

“…some sassafras” Whew…

“and if that weed won’t make good Gumbo…” I don’t care how lame it sounded, I didn’t buy a hooker, so all is good.

“…daddy’s gonna buy you…” What the hell rhymes with Gumbo? “…the elephant Dumbo.” Hope Disney doesn’t come after me
“And if that pacaderm won’t fly, daddy’s gonna buy you a pizza pie.” Hey, that works!
“And if that pizza crust is soft, daddy’s gonna buy you a Manhattan loft.”

I think daddy is going to have to get a new job for that one.

“And if that loft falls off the pier, daddy’s gonna buy you a case of beer”

D’oh! Didn’t see that one coming. Totally blind sided, but gotta run with it now…

“And if that beer starts turing flat, daddy’s gonna buy you a brand new cat.
And if that cat runs away too far, daddy’s gonna buy you a good used car.”

Have to instill frugal values early. Score one for me.

“If that car runs out of gas, daddy’s gonna buy you…damnit, back to rhyming with “ass” again. Stinking one track mind …a season pass. Poor save, but a save.

At this point, mercifully, the child is alseep. He has a pizza, some beer, some bees, BBQ sauce, and an elephant, but fortunately, no hookers. The kid is screwed