HIYEEE!
So, its finally here (I have no idea what I’m going to talk about once its over). The wedding of the century, and here I am at the hotel in Fort Lee, NJ (pinch me). Just to give everyone the blow by blow so far:
2:07: I arrived at the hotel. The room that I’d ordered had already been given away because apparently that’s what they do at Hiltons if you don’t show up exactly at 12 noon. So, instead, they offered me one of a series of smoking rooms or the one handicapped accessible room. Well, needless to say, I asked if they had any handicapped people coming this weekend. The nice woman behind the desk said, “well, we don’t know. we don’t ask when we book.” Of course you don’t. So, I took the handicapped room with its enormous bathroom and ridiculously tiny bed. That’s fine though, because, I don’t plan on sleeping much with all the FUN to be had.
2:20: I enter the room to a message from “picture girl”: Just in case you all changed your mind and brough pictures, I’m in room (and she left the number).
2:25: I look at the gift bag and think about how awesome its going to be to eat that chocolate covered, sourdough pretzel.
3:00: I read the schedule of events. My sister made a comment that she’d be coming up during “nap time” on Saturday. God, I love sarcasm.
3:02: I eat the pretzel. It was as good as I’d hoped. Go excitement.
4:00: I get paged to the groom’s room. We get our gifts. I love gifts, but shouldn’t it be the other way around? Oh, right, it was…repeatedly. Thank god for college football and rehashing of the bachelor party.
4:07: time to write the speech. Since I can’t write on Saturday or Friday night, I have to start now. Hopefully I’ll finish it in five minutes.
4:15: I guessed wrong.
4:27: GO LSU!
4:45: we finished the speech. Want to see it? You will tomorrow. But, unfortunately, since my one order was not to say anything that would get her not to marry him, its relatively tame.
5:00: I start writing this while looking at the schedule again:
Schedule of events:
4:13: Casual candle lighting
5:30: Services (ugh)
6:30: Delicious dinner (I’m serious, it says that. Plus it also says “Some great Ruach (singing) will follow the meal.”) Kill me now.
8:30: Drink. Heavily.
Ugh. Talk to you all later.
Update (at 8:35pm): Just got back from dinner. Yes, there was singing and dancing (alright, maybe just the singing). In fact, there was also Ruach. But most importantly, there was the Matchmaker song. It was HORRENDOUS!!!!! Thank god I was with people more sarcastic than Gregory House at my table. Only 48 more hours. Onto baby sit the groom…
November 26th, 2005 at 3:55 pm
Text of the speech:
Its not often that I get to address such a wonderful group. My friends, I’d first of all, like to be one of the many many people over the course of this weekend, and hopefully for the rest of your lives who wish you a long life together of enjoyment, of passion (and I’m told there can never be too much passion), but most of all, happiness.
But as I was saying, its not often I get to address such a wonderful crowd. You see, after all of my years of marriage, I thought that I’d be the last… right, I’m not married. Well, with all of my years of experience in long-term relationships… er…right, then again, maybe you should take this one for a little while, Andy.
Yeah, good call. All right, well, of all the people here, I’m proud to say I’ve known Lowell for over a decade now. It’s rare you meet one of your closest friends while picking him up off the ground after he wrestled an encampment counselor for the right to control his own blanket (and nearly take the bunk down in the process).
So many times, people get asked to do these things, and they go down the trite road of recounting stories that are funny to them and maybe two other people. You know, I could talk about getting picked up in not one, but TWO silver Plymouth Horizons, or that BOTH got stuck in front of the same house when they met their not so surprising inevitable deaths. I could talk about the fact that the car started shaking at 55 MPH but stopped at a significantly higher speed, but that would be silly.
I mean, I could wax poetically about the wonders of making a yellow cake and putting in one chocolate chip and watching to see if my dad went to search for it (did I mention we wrote “Eat me” on top?) or staying up and watching both Mortal Kombat movies (because the first one wasn’t bad enough). And certainly I could talk about toga parties and quests to find meat restaurants and video game halls in Israel (where I proceeded to put that guy’s kids through college from just my one year there), but that would be silly right?
So, instead, we decided to offer some kind words of advice, Andy, having been married for all of a year and a half, and me, with all of my powers of observation….and stuff…
So, let’s get going:
1.) For starters, if you’re ever on the Cross Bronx Expressway, and your wife has to pee, please pull over at the next rest stop instead of saying “we’re almost there, honey.”
2.) It matters not, how many pairs of shoes she has. Its not enough, and she never has the pair she needs for this particular outfit. Deal with it.
3.) I know you want to see Batman, but trust me, it’ll be better for you, if you see Hitch instead.
4.) Once in a while, you WILL need to give her the remote control.
5.) When she’s upset, you’ll never understand. Don’t bother trying. Don’t get out the dictionary, and DON’T fall asleep no matter how much you want to or how late it is.
6.) One year from tomorrow, all your friends will be egging you on to break out the wedding cake and eat it on your anniversary. Don’t bother. It’ll taste like dusty furniture, and all you’ll get from it is embarrassment. We have pictures of others, to prove it.
7.) Your video game system is NOT a piece of furniture. Nor does it need to be displayed prominently for when your friends come over.
8.) You don’t need underwear as much as she needs that pair of heels. If you have any questions, see number 2.
9.) Your age difference does not mean that you are wiser, nor that you will ever be right. Accept that now.
10.) And now, one for rena. Rena, Crying is blackmail. We know it. You know it. Don’t pretend its something else.
Finally, a lot of people are going to give you advice over the course of this weekend (my father especially), and if you’ve heard nothing else we’ve said so far, just remember this. We’re all idiots. Don’t listen to a thing we have to say.