So, I’ve been reading, watching, to any story I can get my hands on about Larry Brown and the NY Knicks for the last week. And while the prospect of a championship coach fills my heart with glee, I’m quickly brought back to earth at the prospect of who will actually be on the floor this season.

Now don’t get me wrong, an entire team of undersized, underpowered, unexperienced, 6′9″ power forwards and centers does scare the bejeezus out of the Holmdel High School (go Hornets) basketball team, but only just barely, given that their starting center is now 6′5″ tall. Moreover, this team, still hasn’t been able to get rid of the mess that Scott Layden made of it in the late 90s/early 00s (I hate you). Allen Houston, if he doesn’t get bought out, will be 427 years old (slightly younger than the last time George Foreman fought in the ring) when his countract is up, and he’ll be using two canes to help him get up the court because that’s how far his knees will have degenerated.

But seriously folks (try the veal), who really thinks that Larry Brown will be able to make a major splash in his (inevitable) move to NYC to coach? These are neither the 76ers nor Pistons teams he inherited in his last two stops on the coaching carousel. Let’s examine the differences for a moment, shall we?

1.) Star Power
2.) Cap Space
3.) Plan
4.) Health

1.) Star Power — While the Pistons were star-challenged, the Knicks don’t even approach the “flashlight” power (go Keyshawn!) the (championship winning) Pistons had. Rasheed Wallace (All-Star), Ben Wallace (a thousand-time Defensive player of the minute — Phro was like 100 lbs lighter and 5 inches shorter than SHAQ and held “the big Aristotle” to single digit points), Rip Hamilton (All-Star), Chauncey Billips (Finals MVP), Tayshawn Prince (All-rookie who’s just good at EVERYTHING), and Darko (Alright, that satisfies the 1 Darko Sighting per-post requirement). These are all guys (alright, most of them) who make almost any team they play on better.

Can you name me two Knicks who can do that? They haven’t drafted even one starter, except for Michael Sweetney (another 6′9″ power forward — I hate you Layden) in the last 10 years! They used to have one, Walter McCartey (I Luv Waltah!) but he was starting for the Celtics, so that doesn’t count. Plus, even though they look good, and have been pencilled in, I can’t imagine either Channing Frye nor Quentin Richardson (Q!!) turning around the fortunes, especially as Q is 6′6″ (with platforms on) and Frye is no Tim Duncan (Big Fundamental).

2.) But I digress, let’s move onto Cap Space. Three words: They have none. NONE! Not one bit. Even if they buy out Houston’s contract, they were still over 110 million dollars for salary cap last season and his contract is, at most, 20 million for this season. Oh, and the salary cap will only be 51 million this year. THEY ARE MORE THAN 2X THE SALARY CAP! (Yet another reason I hate Layden). This team will barely be below the salary cap if they dump everyone over the age of 29, of course, then, they’ll only have Sweetney, Ariza (a 6′8″ Small forward — irony much?), Crawford, Quentin Richardson, Mike Sweetney and Channing Frye. No joke, this team will need ME to come play CENTER if they buy EVERYONE out. (Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play!)

Now, the NBA trade rules of the new CBA are fairly clear (as clear as any NBA rule can be). The players traded must be within 15% + 100,000 dollars of each other (or combination thereof). I swear to you, my grandchildren will be having children before the Knicks are finished paying off Houston and Marbury’s contract. All this translates into the Brown and Thomas having no flexibility.

3.) Plan — This brings me to my next point, what is Zeke’s plan (Isiah Thomas)? I want to give him time. I really do, but I know that I am not like most Knick fans. So far in his short term, he’s traded the only real center we had for yet another 6′9″ power forward and a 6′9″ small forward (Malik Rose and Maurice Taylor, respectively). Ironically, he traded him to the now, World Champion San Antonio Spurs. In addition, he traded away Keith Van Horn (Great White Hope!) to Milwalkee to get the guy he traded away to get the other two guys and a second guy named Tim Thomas. Tim Thomas is now a backup (at 6′10″) to the small forward (again, irony?) they just traded their starting center (at 6′9″) to get. Confused? Right, so is everyone else.

Zeke, when he first arrived, talked about wanting the knicks to play a high-speed, upbeat, fast-paced style of game. Then, he found out when he got there that he had a team of geriatrics, and that they needed oxygen everytime they went up and down the court. Larry Brown, in his past 3 stints as coaches of other teams, preaches a half-court, slow it down, heavy handed defense, low-scoring offense kind of game. Right, so, now we’re seeing a slight clash. (Which, I might add, might be a problem for Thomas, given that Brown is a championship coach, and Thomas is…………right, okay, moving on)

4.) Finally, what about his health? Seriously, the guy had surgery like 20 minutes ago, and I can’t imagine it was non-invasive surgery (is there such a thing?). Doctors, his family, everyone is asking him to take a step back and rest for a little while, and make sure he’s well enough to coach. New York hasn’t exactly been good on people’s health in the past, what makes LB think he’s going to be the exception to the rule. The Knicks will still suck as much as they do now if he waits a year to think it over, plus, they might even have that extra $5million when Anfernee Hardaway’s (Penny!) contract is up. Of course, they’ll still be in cap hell, but that’s neither here nor there.

So, all in all, I’m really not sure I understand quite what is going on here. Larry Brown won’t make things better, and could do serious damage to his already weak health by coming to NY to be the coach. Wait a year, and then reevaluate.

Oh, and two more things:
1.) Why did Jerry Sloan take back Scott Layden to his coaching staff? I HATE HIM!
2.) DARKO! (I just had to)