So, this is huge. Bigger than huge. HUGE HUGE HUGE! MEGA-SUPER-GINORMOUS (and huge)!

So, last night, I brought together my roommates to talk about something that had been bothering me for some time, smoking in our (enclosed) porch off the living room (and a second problem, why I haven’t sat in our living room in more than 4 months). Now, in and of itself, I’m not opposed to smoking, I’m just opposed to smoking when I am no longer able to ignore it when it comes from another room separated by a wall. So, I brought it to my roommates to see if we could come to some kind of compromise, and not surprisingly, ADD Boy took it as a personal attack. He claimed that I was targeting him and abridging his rights.

Now, the legal argument aside, here were some of the arguments he made to counter my request that he simply use one of the 3 other rooms that DON’T let out into the living room (and obviously my commentary is in parenthesis):

1.) You’re abridging my rights. You pay rent, I pay rent. I should be able to smoke (in a completely enclosed room with absolutely no ventilation if I so choose, even if the only way for the smoke to escape is into the ONE common room in the entire apartment)

2.) You’re just out to get me (alright, there might be some legitimacy to this, except why would I want to INCREASE the amount that I pay per month for the last 2 or 3 months that I live here?)

3.) (When his girlfriend claims that it bothers her too, Wonder-Boy responds) Well, if it bothers you then you can deal, (and here is where it gets really good) I don’t care what anyone else’s dream is (because apparently this is a crucial point to make), my dream is to sit on my couch, watch my TV and smoke, and you’re just like that guy at a baseball game who gets upset when I light up that I call an “a##hole” and tell him that he’s infringing on my rights to smoke.

Now, I really think its that last part that really makes this poetry, the “I call him an A@@Hole” part. In one sentence, he’s just said that I’m just like the guy at the baseball game who asks ADD Boy to follow the RULES and the LAW and not smoke (obviously A&&Hole-ish behavior). And he also called me an A**Hole (sometimes I am, I can’t really argue with him). But I think its that THIS is his goal in life that really set off his girlfriend (ie the one person in the room that I thought would stand by him in all of this).

I swear to you all in front of all of my comics, this is what she said, “(ADD BOY,) maybe I’m just now starting to realize that you’re the problem, and you need to leave! He’s asking you for one simple thing. why is this so F*#$NG hard? Just go smoke upstairs (Editor’s Note: or in one of the other places you lazy-ass piece of#@$#!) or somewhere else! He’s saying it bothers him! It bothers ME! Why can’t you do this?! You know what? Get out. You’ve got one month to find a new apartment!”

Wow! Damn! Holy cow! I really don’t even know what to say at this point. She shocked us all! Take no more calls! She wins!

But here is where it really started to get good. He smiled. HE F#$&*@#ING SMILED!!!!! I just can’t believe it! I really just don’t get it! When she reiterated that he was being a jackass and that he needed to get out, he got up and left the room, saying nothing. When he returned, he was holding a Bud Light and (where did he go? Wait for it… That’s right!) then went out to the porch to smoke!

Needless to say, the rest of us “adults” came to a decision and a compromise, but…WOW! DAMN! SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM!

(If only I had any faith that he’d ACTUALLY be gone a month from now. Trust me, he’ll still be here. Ask me then! I promise you. She’ll back down.)