1) If you tell someone that you spontaneously decided to drive from New York to Detroit 11 hours ago because you wanted to “See Detroit,” they look at you funny. Then they ask if you have “anything extra” you can sell them.
2) Establishments that are called “TA” don’t sell T and A and get offended if you start saying, “Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge. Say no more.” in a British accent when trying to buy something.
3) You can buy a Ph.D in Deerology from a truckstop. It must be a growth industry.
4) According to road signs in Ohio, there is nothing between Ohio and New York. Hence forth, Pennsylvania will be called, “The Space Formerlly Known as Pennsylvania (SFKP)” or “The Great Void.”
5) The news in Detroit is exactly the same as it is in New York, except that the anchors are less attractive, much dumber sounding, and call each other cute names like, “Booty-licious” and “Home-slice.”
6) Greektown isn’t much of a town. It is both sides of the street for one block. And the most famous restaurant there sells Chicago style pizza. They didn’t even wear togas there. I think I missed the greek connection there.
7) You don’t buy a hotdog, you get a Coney Island. You buy these at a place called “(Insert Word) Coney Island.” There seems to be one of these franchises on every corner. It is like Starbucks, but with hotdogs. Can I get venti carmel half caf Coney Island with extra foam?
Detroit doesn’t suck as much as I thought it did. Ok, it really does, but the area around Detroit doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would. Inside Detroit…not a happy place.
March 22nd, 2004 at 12:07 am
I’ve spent many a Christmas in Grosse Pointe and Harper Woods, which are both quite nice, and worked for my cousin as a landscaper in Detroit and surrounding areas for a summer.
One story I remember is when we went into the city to cut some old lady’s lawn (my cousin did it as a favor to her–he’s a good chap), he told me that if I noticed anything strange, to drop whatever I was doing, get in the truck, and keep my head down.
The takehome: live in the ‘burbs if you can–Detroit proper was–and still is, I’m told–not a very nice place to be.
March 22nd, 2004 at 9:09 pm
Coney Islands are enough reason for me to move there and chill with my family. I have tons of cousins in the West Bloomfield and Southfield area, and they are certainly as mentally far from Detroit as I am from Roxbury/Dorchester.
If you saw those signs in Ohio, you must have been headed towards I-80. There ain’t nothing on I-80. You’ve got to take the turnpike to hit anything approaching civilization.